Paris

I am going to Paris! Early early on Friday morning I am going to Copenhagen to take the plane to Paris. And I'm spending the weekend there. Just having fun, like I used to. That's one thing I was good at, having fun. So that is one thing I'm looking forward to in this whole mess I call my life


 :)

Frustration (ADHD stuff)

A male friend of mine said once that I should just shape up and get things done. It's much more complicated living with ADHD. It's almost as if you automatically feel different from others, you have this constant feeling of not fitting in, at least I've had it my entire life. I guess that is why so many youngsters with ADHD is acting out in alternative ways, that can also be very self-destructive. A person with ADHD is much more likely to become a drug addict or a criminal, I have my mum to thank for not having gone down that road.

The boyfriend area - ADHD and romance is not an easy thing. It takes a lot from a person to have a relationship with an ADHD - person...so sad because we are desperate to be loved, to feel loved, but we never do.. because we are too demanding from our partner, when all we really want is the security that we need to feel to let go of the drama. 

I read what this woman wrote in a ADHD support website, and as I wrote it I got tears in my eyes, because I know exactly how she feels and this is exactly where I will be when I'm 53: 

"It's another Saturday night, and this one's hitting harder than usual. Just had a good cry. I hate feeling self-pity and making it so public, to boot. But this ADD problem has kicked my ass in every part of my life. There's a lot of grief that's up for me lately. I haven't been able to succeed in any field. Chronic humiliation caused a lot of social anxiety, so that at almost 53, I'm still single. Friendships have dissipated over time (I think because my life is so outside the mainstream), and I'm flat broke.People who meet me usually like me. I'm kind, caring, intelligent, and creative. I'm just so frustrated that I'm so alone. It's hard to join community activities hoping to meet new people, when I'm not feeling good about my life. I don't want to feel helpless or get stuck in depression. But the loneliness and isolation is making me crazy."

Please note! ADD is ADHD without the hyperactivity, and I actually have ADD, not ADHD but the term ADHD is used for both ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and ADHD (Attention Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder). 

My mind is not here.

Today has been a hectic day and I'm very tired. Even if it is Saturday I have taken the largest of sleeping pills and I'm waiting to dose off. I shall read a little in La Place, the book of the month or year or decade, depending on when I will actually finish it. Seems like it will take forever since I always have to go back 5 pages because I've forgot what I read the last time. My mind is not here anymore.

Also, I'm very upset about Norway. It's a great tragedy. As a Scandinavian  it's horrifying to see this happening to our lovely neighbor, Norway. So many lives - ruined.

childhood memories

I don't remember that much from when I was little, it has to do with my ADHD. Apparently, people with ADHD generally have less childhood memories than a "normal" person, because we are there, but we are not present in the moment perceiving what is happening.

Nevertheless, I do have one memory that I connect with a special scent - the scent of an ice house.When I was little we got meat from the hunters in the forests around where we lived, and we kept it in the local ice house. And it was amazing going in to this house that was so cold, and you had to bring your jacket and when you entered you could feel the cold air in your nose going into your lungs. And there was this special scent, a fresh cold scent almost the same as if you put your head into your freezer at home, only much stronger. So every time I open my freezer I put my head and I take a deep breath to feel the cold air entering my lungs, and the feeling I get is indescribable. 

control

I'm quite astonished that gaining control of one's life can take forever, but losing it happens the minute too many projects are taken on.

The loss of control makes you fall into old patterns, the ones you have worked hard to break. You lose your mindfulness about things and you see everything from your perspective and no one else's. And the most sad of all things is that you start to blame others for your loss of control, you start trying to find excuses to justify your behavior and your emotions as well as your actions, when, in reality, there is no one to blame but yourself. You are the one who can't cope with life, the blame is on you.

Yes sir, I'm still working it.

There comes a time in everyone's life, when you think it's over. You have lost "it". I thought I was there. I am not old, neither am I young. I'm somewhere in between, and I have stopped feeling sexy a very long time ago. 

But just when you are about to think that your glory days are over, you go out for your daily power walk. However, this walk had a little more "umph" to it. The sun had begun to set, sweat was pouring down my arms and my chest was completely wet, and I guess my naughty fantasies about a certain man was showing in my face. 

To get a "OMG!-What-is-this??-work-it!-girl-that's-one-hot-piece-of-ass" is breakfast lunch AND dinner in Paris, but in my town... not so much! 

Now, this will not miraculously turn me into what I was before, but just for one night I'd like to pretend that I am 18 and hot again, tomorrow it's back to plain and boring Nic. (It was so worth sweating for though).

This song was all over when i was living the wild life in Aix-en-Provence as a 19-year-old. 

Feng Shui

I have decided to change my apartment into a calm Feng Shui home. I am very messy, both in my mind and in my apartment, it is very important for me to live in a calm environment, that's why I hate staying at other people's houses because I can't relax and I get easily stressed.

According to Feng Shui, the spaces should be clutter free, with colors and shapes that represent the five elements: Earth, Air, Fire, Water and Metal. This is very important, you should also think about the light set in your apartment, especially in your bedroom, which seems natural since that is where you are suppose to relax your mind and feel safe enough to let your guard down and sleep. The first thing I need to do then is to bring in my big bed from my mother's place and then I'm turning my current bed into a second couch with a pretty quilt on it that I'm getting for my birthday from my lovely mother!


Interior elements that I like: 

- natural colors (red, brown, black, green, gray, beige, white)
- plants
- dark solid wood (I dislike light IKEA wood very much, I could never live in an environment like that)


Things to improve in my apartment: 

- light set
- candles
- curtains (don't even have any, but is in desperate need for them)
- my couch has to go... (or at least I need to make it a little less IKEA and a little more Feng Shui)

Gary Dourdan

As usual - no need for words, just enjoy... 

Jogging your fears away

Apparently there is a huge difference between jogging at midnight on a Saturday and jogging at daytime - The huge difference is called adrenaline rush. Last weekend I had way too much sugar in my blood to be able to fall asleep and I soon realized that the only way to calm myself down was to go for a walk, but what I did not realize was that no woman should be out walking on a small little road in the middle of nowhere. Out of pure fear from everything the shadows were hiding (rapists, murderers, vampires e.t.c) I started to jog. And I was amazed as to how easy this turned out to be. 

Now... I'm not saying that I am having an awfully hard time jogging, I'm doing my best and I have definitely improved.. But when I am out during the afternoon, when the the sun is shining and there are other people out, I can't help but to miss getting that little extra push to make you go a little bit faster - the one you get from fear. 

Tantrum

I restarted my engine and I studied all day yesterday, and today was a free day from school. I went to Denmark with my sister, Filippa, and my dear mother. We had lots of fun, but we all agreed that we chose the wrong restaurant for lunch. I am going though a sensitive time these days and I was close to tears when the dish I had ordered came in as a deep fried fatty disgusting lump of fat. I really do hate deep fried food, and it didn't say so on the menu. My mother, who knows me well enough, decided that the only way to avoid a PMS - tantrum from a soon- to- be 24 - year old woman, was to get the dish exchanged. She brought me something that was not fried in anyway, but oven baked. Thank you, dear mother!

I also had a very nice weekend with my best male friend, Kazuma. We studied math, had chicken nuggets and wine, watched Harry Potter, took the train from Lund to Kristianstad to eat dinner at a nice restaurant and then took the train from Kristianstad to Malmö to enjoy the high life of a Saturday night in "the big city".

Dinner with Kazuma in Kristianstad  

Picture from the train in full speed. The best I could do. 

1 hour

I am so proud of myself. I swum for ONE hour today, and I'm talking fast swimming, non of that slow senior swimming. I'm determined to better my fitness so that I can eventually pass over to other types of swimming that is more demanding. Like crawl, I can't do that, not so much because I physically cannot, but because I feel like I will pass from normal person swimming, to the crawl people that everyone is watching to see how long they can go on before you have to stop. That makes me nervous, so I just can't do it.

Drunk at 4 in the afternoon.. please!

What do you do when you are with two friends in a park cafe and suddenly one of them leaves and comes back with a big glass of beer for you... You accept. Since I haven't been drinking that much lately.. well I got drunk, and had to be led to my bus stop so that I could go home and sleep it off..  Of course a drunk person will also fall asleep on a 40 minutes bus ride and well.. I did..

Welcome to my new blog

Sometimes I like to leave the old behind, aka fresh start and this is what I'm doing now, I am leaving my old blog for my new one. I feel very sad about it, but I think that it is important to remember that.... my blog name sucked... My brainstorm ability is not very good, and I can't come up with a new cool sparkling name, so I will be using the only name that can't be wrong, the name my parents gave me. Yep yep, voila, so here I am, Nicole Wachtmeister.

(for those of you who wants to see my old blog you can visit it through this link My old blog